Best excuses for not doing assignments

Take your pick.

MILITANT FEMINIST: Due dates are a tool of the patriarchy. My rejection of them is a natural extension of my pledge to forever subvert it. I refuse to participate in this chauvinistic penis party! Down with ivory towers, up with ivory FLOWERS!

VAGUELY LARCENOUS: My pirated copy of Microsoft Office crashed my pirated copy of Windows XP Professional. And, uh, then pirates stole my computer. Yarr...

GOVERNMENTAL: Essay? What essay? Nobody told me anything about essays! Wait, what's an essay? Where are we? Who am I? What? I did not sleep with that essay!

ALCOHOLIC: I drank all of my printer ink. (Trail off, then vomit uncontrollably.)

JINGOISTIC: Essays are patently un-Australian. I FIND YOUR OBJECTIONS SEDITIOUS!

POVERTY-STRICKEN: I wrote it and printed it out a week in advance, but then I ran out of toilet paper.

PIOUS: I was afflicted with the stigmata and was too occupied with experiencing the severity of Christ's wounds to write my essay.

QUANTUM: By not writing my essay, I am also simultaneously writing my essay. Why do you not get this?

CERTIFIABLE: The gnomes say that when I have collected ten flux capacitors, only then will I learn the true secret and power of the Shame Crystal. Please assist me in my quest. Elendil!!!

MENSTRUAL: I haven't been able to even MOVE because of these cramps. I can see, like, my whole abdomen ripple with each searing wave of pain. And I keep on having to go out and buy pads because of the crimson rivers gushing out of my ladyflower, not to mention clots the size of your - hey! Where are you going?

Hospital opens at 2:43 AM