Pirate Transmogrification Academy

Escape from Monkey Island is undoubtedly one the last gems of the adventure game genre. It's a pity that Lucasarts prefers to focus its attention on the Star Wars franchise and other faster-paced contemporary games, totally neglecting the MI series and its fans.

Anyhow, I dug out the game during the last long hols and replayed it. The part that I like best is still the pirate reform school on Knuttin Atoll which Guybrush enters to obtain a certain item. The teacher, Miss Rivers, steals some of the limelight from our hero with her mild-mannered appearance which belies a sarcastic and insulting streak =)


Miss Rivers: Just by walking in that door, you've already taken a courageous first step in a journey... a journey that will transform you from 'swashbuckling' pirates into healthy, normal, and most of all, PRODUCTIVE members of society.

Miss Rivers: And why have you made this step?
Mungle: Because we don't have a choice?
Miss Rivers: No, dear... you've come here BECAUSE YOU'RE SCUMSUCKING PIRATES WHO DESERVE TO BE DRAGGED INTO THE STREET AND SHOT LIKE THE DOGS YOU ARE!!!
Mungle: Yikes!
Miss Rivers: Now then, for the next few hours we'll be breaking down your anti-social pirate defense mechanisms and replacing them with more acceptable, marketable, behavioral traits.

Miss Rivers: Your captain has plotted a course through the heart of the Devil's Triangle. How do you react?
Guybrush: I organize a mutiny among the crew, all the while deciding which ones to eat if the mutiny fails!

Miss Rivers: After drinking too much grog, a friends of 20 years teases you about your haircut. What is your reaction?
Guybrush: I shave his belly with a rusty razor, all the while shouting "I got your haircut right HERE, Spanky!"

Miss Rivers: You see a man accosting another with a sword. What do you do?
Guybrush: Taking advantage of their mutual distraction, I impale both men on my trusty sword, and steal their gold!

Miss Rivers: Your tofu burger is delivered medium well, despite your explicit request for medium rare. How do you react?
Guybrush: I burn the restaurant to the ground, and string up the chef by his kidneys! Yah hah hahaah!

Miss Rivers: While delivering Christmas toys to orphans on a nearby island, you notice a passing ship that's obviously taken on too much cargo. What do you do?
Guybrush: I dump the toys, hoist the Jolly Roger, plunder the ship, decapitate their captain, and set fire to the bloody husk!

Miss Rivers: A scruffy-looking stranger offers you a grog. What's your response?
Guybrush: I accept the grog, poison his own, and steal his treasure. Arrrrr!

Miss Rivers: A stranger approaches you and asks for the time. How do you respond?
Guybrush: I disembowel the stranger with a dagger, hide his body in a nearby alley, and take his wallet!

Miss Rivers: While reading a book of poetry in the library, what appears to be a treasure map falls out of the book. What's your plan of action?
Guybrush: I hunt down and kill everyone who's ever checked out the book... Then, after I kill their families, their friends, and their pets, I seek out the treasure! Arrr!

Miss Rivers: A member of the opposite sex rebuffs your advances. How do you cope?
Guybrush: I transform myself into an undead creature of unrelenting evil, terrorizing the seven seas in my never-ending quest to make her my bride! Arr-arr-arrrrrr!

Miss Rivers: Now, in order to guarantee that you will NEVER darken my school's doorstep again, and to stigmatize you for the rest of your hopefully-short life, I'm strapping this dunce cap to your stubborn pirate head in the hopes that humiliation will succeed where education failed.
NOW GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM, AND NEVER RETURN!

Hospital opens at 9:15 PM